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Stop Licking My Metal Tentacle is actually a sequel to Terry Bisson’s fabulously funny short story They’re Made Out Of Meat (http://www.terrybisson.com/page6/page6.html).  I highly recommend reading Mr. Bisson’s short story first and then mine …

STOP LICKING MY METAL TENTACLE

“Play fighting?”

“Yes. They’re not hurting each other.”

“What disgusting creatures.”

“Sir, we must maintain a proper perspective. The first survey team’s failure to-”

“Yes, yes. They were very appropriately punished. Imagine thinking we could just ignore these creatures!”

“Yes sir. Stupidity.”

“Are you sure we are translating the radio signals correctly?”

“No malfunction, sir. We checked.”

“This is all too difficult to understand. Why would they play at pain? Is it a defense mechanism, like with the weddilei’s unappetizingly dumb exterior shell hiding their shrewd delicious plasma brain?”

“No, all the researchers assigned to the question are in agreement that this is not about deception. The play fighting is conducted in front of an audience that is aware of what they are watching.”

“How shockingly strange.”

“Yes. And their unmatured ones also attend.”

“They bring their children along? Are they monsters?”

“You read the first survey report. These creatures aren’t like you or me, they’re made out of-”

“Yes, I know what they’re made of. It doesn’t bear repeating. But now, you’re asking me to believe that children can understand this play fighting obscenity.”

“I’m not asking you to believe anything, I’m telling you that the children actually perform the play fighting more often than the adult stage alien.”

“Are you sure it’s the same creature?”

“We’re sure. We studied them for several of their very short life spans. We studied all of their broadcasts which have reached us so far. We’re very sure.”

“It must be a form of insanity in their young.”

“That is our best hypothesis.”

“Well, your antenna are still buzzing uncomfortably. You have something more to tell me?”

“Yes, but it’s more unpleasantness.”

“I didn’t expect anything else. Go ahead.”

“These creatures employ false emotions.”

“False emotions?”

“Indeed.”

“Did you say false?”

“Yes.”

“You’re serious then. This isn’t some kind of prank.”

“Not at all. Sometimes their false emotions are called theater. Sometimes it is called professional wrestling. We’re not sure why they choose one name or the other, but we have our best hive mind working on an answer.”

“Is one more popular? Perhaps we should focus on understanding the one with greater resonance in their society.”

“We can certainly dedicate extra researchers to studying their professional wrestling.”

“Are there any other resources I can give you to speed your analysis? We must understand them thoroughly.”

“Will we have time when we encounter them to probe them all the way through before revealing our existence? That would certainly be of benefit, I think.”

“Look, these horrible creatures are still 89 light years away. By the time they get to us we probably won’t be able to do any covert probing. They show an aptitude for manipulating their environment that the first survey team chose to ignore. We can’t risk offending a newly met life form by probing them that way. Having them like us is the first goal of first contact.”

“Yes, I remember your lecture on that from my school days. Current resources will just have to suffice, then. Well, that’s all I had to discuss.”

“Hold on a moment, I had a horrible thought. What if they get here faster than we think?”

“What do you mean? They can’t get here sooner than 89 years from now.”

“Can’t they? These creatures play fight. They fake emotions.”

“What are you suggesting?”

“They’re deviants. They see things very differently then any other intelligence we’ve encountered.”

“Yes, we think it’s because they’re made out of-”

“What I’m trying to say is, perhaps they might have figured out a shortcut. They might get here in 42 years.”

“That’s impossible. They can’t break that law. It’s a rule inherent to the fabric of space time.”

“You’re an exo-sociologist, not a mad alien genius. They’ve already shown themselves to be insane. Let’s draw up contingency plans for an early contact, okay?”

“Yes sir. Should I rededicate our hive mind to the task?”

“No, keep it on the job at hand. Understanding the difference between professional wrestling and theater might be very important.”

“You often say, sir, that it’s the details that matter.”

“Exactly. When we come across these aliens, we want them to feel at home. If we have to play fight and fake emotions to make them befriend us, if we have to enjoy theater or show them our quality intergalactic professional wrestling, we’ll do it.”

“I admire your dedication and clarity of vision, sir.”

“Stop licking my metal tentacle. You’re dismissed.”

~

by Ranjit Singh Mathoda
created and copyright April 21, 2001